Journal Entry #11 October 5, 2002

Well, I just got in from Paris last night. The 4 interns went for an overnight. We got a good deal on Eurostar, so we got to go over on the train on Thursday and we stayed the night and came back late on Friday night. It was a great time! I had never been to Paris before, so I got to see all of the major stuff.... The Eiffel Tower, the Arc de Triomphe, Notre Dame, The Louvre and also the Musee d' Orsay.... which has incredible collections of Monet, Van Gogh, Cezanne, Renoir, Talleuse-Latrec and many others. It was a great chance to just get away for a little bit and to see new things, with new friends. What a blessing to be able to be so close to these places and to be able to have these experiences. If you'd like to see pictures of Paris, check out the gallery.... I just put some up!

A couple weeks ago I wrote in this journal about my realization that so much of my life's decisions had been made based on fear. This was tough to think about. I didn't really know what to do with that information. How was I supposed to begin to re-evaluate my life? How was I supposed to redefine the standards I was living by? How was I supposed to begin to look at myself, my choices and my life through different eyes? These were (and still are) tough questions.

But, the more I thought about the journey of faith, I began to realize that there will no doubt be an element of fear in the life I lead. Not a paralyzing fear that dominates my thoughts and shuts me down, but a healthy fear.... a sense that I am in the midst of something that is much bigger than myself. And I don't think that is a bad thing.

You see, I have begun to think about the risk that we are all called to. Those of us who are making the choice to live and love passionately are taking a risk. When you love, you will always risk losing those you love. And when you live, you will risk dying. And when I sit here thinking about that.... I remember how we are all called to die. To take up our crosses and follow him.... risking all; losing all. Dying to ourselves, our nature, our own selfish desires.

As I thought about this more, I started making a connection between all of the risks involved with Faith, Hope and Love. All connected with our journey. All involve risk. To have faith, you must risk feeling the pressure of those who have no faith and you must risk being in a situation where things don't go just as you thought they should. To have hope, you must risk being with those who can see no hope. And to love, you must risk living the reality that there is only One who can love us the way we truly need to be loved at our core.

And, if you don't like all of this talk of risk... I challenge you to look at one of the greatest risks ever taken. The risk that Jesus took when He came to earth in human form.... Risking it all to love us. In the book I'm reading right now, The Return of the Prodigal Son, by Henri Nouwen, Nouwen expounds on this parable and he refers to "the boundlessness of God's compassionate love." God gave it all to reach us and our hardened hearts. His compassion outvoted all reason and analysis. He took the risk in Christ Jesus. Taking a risk by giving us a choice.... To love or not to love, to hope or not to hope, to have faith or to have no faith.

And so.... as my journey continues, I'm struck by how there is so much grace in the midst of my realization and convictions on sin. There will always be some fear in my life. At the end of the day, when it just "me, my pillow and Jesus," I should look back and see what type of fear had ahold of me that day. Was it a paralyzing fear that stole my faith rather than added to it, or was it a fear that comes with living a life in reverence and awe? Did it remind me of the risk I'm taking and urge me to press on or did it stop me in my tracks? As I continue to seek out the answers to the questions of who I am and who He is.... I rest in the fact that His grace is sufficient for me.